English Script Request

(?) is moderately proud to present actor, author, comedian, and spoiler of women, Mr. Woody Allen!
Thank you. Let me start at the very beginning. I did a vodka ad, that's the first important thing. A big vodka company wanted to do a prestige ad, and they wanted to get Noël Coward originally for it, but he was not infallible. He had acquired the rights to My Fair Lady, and he was removing the music and lyrics and...make it back into (??). They tried to get Lawrence Olivia and Holly Lookie. They finally got me to do, I think they got my name, I think it was on a list in Ikeman's pocket when they picked them up. And I'm sitting home one night, I'm watching television, I'm watching a special version of Peter Pan on television, starring Kate Smith, and uh. Having trouble flying, because the chains keep breaking.
And the phone rings, and a voice on the other end says, "How would you like to be this year's vodka man?"
And I said "No. I'm an artist, I do not do commercials. I don't pander. I don't drink vodka. And if I did I wouldn't drink your product."
And he said, "Too bad, it pays fifty-thousand dollars."
And I said, "Hold on. I'll put Mr. Allen on the phone."
And I was caught here in an ethical crisis. "Should I advertise a product that I don't actually use?" is the problem because I'm not a drinker. My body will not tolerate spirits, really. I had two martinis New Year's Eve, and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba! In the past, when I had any sort of emotional problem, I used to consult with my analyst all the time. This is public knowledge. I was an in analysis for years 'cause of a traumatic childhood I had when I was, um, yeah when I was breastfed from ( ?? ). It scarred me emotionally, and there was a strict Freudian analysis for a long time. My analyst died two years ago and I never realized this and...now, whenever I have any sort of problem, I consult with my spiritual counselor, who in my case is my rabbi. I called him up on the phone, I laid the proposition on him, and he said, "Don't do it," 'cause it's illegal and immoral to advertise a product that you don't use just for the money. And I said, "Okay," and I passed the ad up. And I must say it took great courage at the time, because I needed the money -- I was writing -- and I needed to be freed, creatively. I was working on a non-fiction version of "The Warren Report." I just passed the ad up, and a month later I'm leafing through "Life Magazine," and I see a photograph of Monique Van Vooren in a slim bikini bathing suit, and she's on the beach in Jamaica, and there next to her with a cool vodka in his hand is my rabbi.
So I call him up on the phone, y'know, and he puts me on hold, and what happened is he wanted to go into show business. He had done a late night prayer on television, and he was in the middle of the twenty-third psalm, he tried to ad lib, y'know, he tried to name the Ten Commandments. He couldn't think of them quickly, instead he named the Seven Dwarfs. He's at a discotheque now with his colleagues, with topless rabbis, y'know. No skullcap on.