English Script Request

MGG at UNH 4
I somehow, magically found his like production office, and like, left a letter for him - this weird letter. And sent in some movies I had directed- and then miraculously he hired me as an intern. Which really, again changed my life. ‘Cause I thank him for turning me into an actor because I was truthfully, like, the world’s worst intern. I left, for Spring Break one time with his keys. It was bad I know. I lit his garbage can on fire, in his office and he never found out about that- and it was on You tube, I bet he will soon. Anyway, (then he) the crazy thing happened, he um… I think it was a polite way of firing me as an intern. He hired me to play an intern in a movie. Act an intern, and it was really last minute- I all of a sudden get this phone call.
It’s West saying “Man, I’m filming Life Aquatic”.
This is the movie he made.
He goes, “I want you to play the intern in this movie, but were shooting it in Rome”.
There in Rome.
”And you have to be here, in lik-, so you have to get on a plane in like 6 hours to be in the first scene.”
And I was like are you Jo-, like, there was a call from God, are you kidding me?
[Audience laughs].
What? This is amazing. So I looked at JFK, I was in New York, I went to JFK airport, with like a toothbrush and a ticket. Got on the plane… all of a sudden, I’m like, I’m an actor now, this movie, I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but it’s got like.
[Audience cheers].
Yes I’m very proud of that film I had a very small part but I was in it for 6 months. Um, filming this thing, it took forever. But so I flew to Rome. Met all of, like, my idols, like, Bill Murray was there.
[Audience cheers].
Yeah, Yeah, Bill’s the greatest. William De-faux, Angelica Huston- all the greatest. Oh and I had no, I had no business in this film. So I go there, we shoot the scene that I’m supposed to be in and I briefly meet everybody, but not really ‘cause I’m so shy, um… Then the next day they do a really nice thing, the production, they flew me back to New York to pack, ‘cause I didn’t even pack- we were going to be there for 6 months, it was so last minute. So, I’m in New York, when all of a sudden my phone rings. I look down, I answer it and I’m like hello, and I hear this like familiar voice and he goes,
“Is this Matthew “, and I go yeah. “ Hi Matthew, this is Bill Murray”.
And I’m like what? But, I thought someone was joking with me. I asked, are you joking with me?
“We met yesterday in Rome”
And it was like a second, I was like hi it’s nice to meet you.
“Are you in New York right now?”
I’m like I am in New York right now.
He’s like “good, could you do me like a really big favour?”
I’m like yeah.
He’s like, “I need you to pick something up for me”, and then he kind of chuckled.
[Audience laughs].
I was like oh, anything, of course, I was thinking it was going to be something like a chair, whatever, he basically gives me this address, a name, a meeting point, sort of getting like a spying. So I go to this addres,s go to this meeting point, weird part of town. First I realize it’s a heavily armed building. There’s like a guy in front with a gun. Then I get in the elevator, there’s another guy with a gun, like helping you up in the elevator. I get off and I’m in a strange office. Again, I have no idea what I’m picking up.
This guy says, “Oh hi, you must be Bill’s friend.”
Uh, no I’m not, no I, like, I don’t even know the guy. Like I met him a day ago, for like a second.
The guy was like, “What? That’s kind of weird. Alright, Whatever. Let me show what you’re carrying.”
So he takes me to the back room opens the door there’s a desk in the middle of the desk there’s like a ring. It’s got a little ring, a woman’s ring a very feminine pink ring, and I’m like oh cool, alright.
He’s like “Yeah, you’re taking this present for his wife”.
I’m like oh great, yeah whatever.
He says” I need you to sign this piece of paper just saying you received it”.
I go to sign it, I look and it says, $ 2731, that’s like a very expensive ring. Then my eyes, like, focus and then I realize it was $271,000, it was a quarter of a million dollar diamond ring, for Bill Murray. Then I’m like, I got to carry this to Rome? I’m like, I’m like.
“You have to do it, you have to do it”.
I was like oh, what do I carry it- can I have a box?
“No, you can’t have a box, you have to wear it”.
[Audience Laughs].
Because what I found out later was if Bill shipped it or carried it in a box he’d have to pay $15,000 in tax, so really I was essentially, smuggling this ring. And I’m like mortified, am like, a really neurotic guy. I don’t deal with stress well, all of a sudden I’m like, I’m like, holding this ring.
The guy’s like, “wear it”,
I’m like okay, so I like put it on and its really tight, it’s like a ladies diamond ring, I’m like trying to, like, hide it. So I spent a couple more days wearing this ring and I’m so scared to leave in in my closet,.that I’m just going to wear it. and I get this great idea, I’m, like, I don’t want this to slip off, I’m going to like put it on one of my other fingers. So I somehow just wedge this ladies finger and it’s been on my finger. And I now I basically tournicated--
Oh sorry guys, pause the story- for seizure reasons can we stop the flashing I guess it’s like a district thing or something, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.
Um, anyway, so I now put this thing on my finger and its acting as a tourniquet. Like, my finger is, like, literally, I’m watching my finger turn like, blue, grey, black, like, all of a sudden, it’s like a California raisin, but it kept- I’m like, I’m like there’s no way this ring is coming off of me unless it cut off. ‘Cause I don’t want to lose this, then get kicked out of the movie and then Bill Murray sues me for-. Anyway, long story short, I make it back to Rome. I’m sitting there in my hotel room and at this point my hand is like, swollen. The ring has literally become part of my body. It’s like, Inherent in my D.N.A, my skin is growing over it, you know my finger… I’ll never have that finger. Whatever. I’m in the room I call I ask to talk to Bill. Bill comes over, and we can’t get the ring off, it’s literally, like stuck on. We’re trying like water, were trying like- nothing will come out.
If you had told me when I was 7 years old that one day the guy from Ghostbusters, will be in my Roman hotel room, rubbing a stick of butter all over my finger, trying to get a quarter of a million dollar, ladies diamond ring off of my finger. I probably wouldn’t believe you, but it did happen. It was one of the greatest nights of my life.