.. toughest guy in school. Talent show is happening, half way in Johnathan [Feedal?] walks out on stage wearing iridescent track pants, a black tank top, a karate head band. Like a hush falls over the crowd because we're all so scared of this guy. Like he's probably gunna [going to] like get someone and just like beat the hell out of him on stage. This guy was the meanest. He stands there, right and he bows his head. And all the sudden that song by U2 "With or without you" do you know that one? I have it queued, T, play the song so they know. You guys probably.. this song.. this plays. He pulls out nunchucks..ok turn it off .. he pulls out nunchucks and commences to do... I have chills thinking about it. The most poetic beautiful nunchuck routine anyone in the world has ever seen. Like women in the front row are crying, like everybody is so touched by this guy's performance and it gets better. At a certain point the lights go out and the nunchucks were glow in the dark. So it's this laser light show. I mean it was so beautiful. It was without a doubt the most sensitive and honest thing I have ever seen in my life and the funny thing about the story is afterwards, he got beat up every day for doing that routine. Because he reveals such a sensitive side of himself.
It kinda tells you what kind of school I went to, growing up and I was beat up, like, relentlessly. I was beat up by girls, by boys, by teachers, you know everyone hated me. I went to a weird school, a tough school and I think one of the many reasons was I've always been the same weight. 155 pounds, real muscle. But I've been like different heights. When I was in 4th grade I was 155 and like this tall and I also had the longest most beautiful hair you've ever seen and the most beautiful skin a man could have and I looked basically like a chubby Meg Ryan. I looked like Meg Ryan then in that movie French Kiss, but I was a boy, so you can imagine people liked beating me up. Another reason people beat me up is I was the weird kid, which -- there's some weird kids in the audience <<audience applauds>> I was the weird kid. I blamed being the weird kid on the fact, on my second grade birthday cake. Let me tell you this, I don't know about your schools but in our schools on your birthday your mom sends you to school with a birthday cake. And it kind of became a popularity contest so like, the better the birthday cake, the cooler the kid. My friend Jesse was vegan and his mom made him bring a soy birthday cake to school and he's still living it down. It's cool now but it wasn't cool in like 1940 when I was in highschool. But uh, in my head I am going to have the best birthday cake ever so I spent like a week planning it. My mom was totally on board. We spent two nights decorating this like, rocky road birthday cake. And I decorated it with a big monster face. And I was like yeah this cake's gunna <<inaudible>> and I was like bragging about it like "just wait guys.. just wait" put it in the styrofoam container in our garage refrigerator. Woke up early the next morning super excited. Got the cake, got the styrofoam box, got in the carpool. Went to school. I'd like to pause for a moment and tell you something else that was happening at the same time, unbeknownst to me. My sister who is a little older was in a science class in the same school. She was studying birth, animal birth, biology. For some reason she thought it would be a great idea, my mother had a ranch with horses. A horse had given birth to a baby colt. Awww. So she thought it would be great to bring the placenta to biology class in for like extra credit. She kept it... you probably know where this story is going... in a styrofoam cooler in the garage refridgerator. Cut to me, at lunch "Like come on yeah, it's my birthday cake, tell 'ya bout it." I lift up the lid to reveal a bloody, stench ridden sack of placenta which contrary to popular belief does not really make you the coolest kid in school. The only sort of funny thing about it was imagining my sister's class's faces when she's like "take a look at my placenta" and it's just this dumb monster birthday cake.
