English Script Request

Thank you very much.
Are you ready?
Never readier!
Thank you. Our next guest is a talented actress starring in a new film entitled Scary Movie 5. I think it's a sequel. It's in theatres on Friday. Ladies & Gentlemen, Lindsay Lohan.
You look great. Tell people why it is you're here tonight.
Well I want to start by saying, I didn't think you were Dr Phil. I thought I was doing Fallon.
She thought she was doing Fallon, ladies & gentlemen.
And I was here early. So you do owe Paul an apology.
She was, I can confirm it!
The first time you were on the show was the old show at NBC. What year was it? 1986? 1992?
I was born in '86.
Yeah.
Here she is, look at that!
Aww.
You were a Halloween costume.
I was "things found on the floor of the D train." There was an issue, because I believe there was a condom on it.

DL: Oh, no, was there really? On your costume?

LL: Lacey Chebert did it too, she was in Mean Girls with me, she was a stun gun.

DL: Oh she was also on that.

LL: Yeah.

DL: Yeah. Well you look remarkably well. <laughter> Now you know I have made routinely made jokes about you and activities true and otherwise, you're aware of that, right?

LL: I love that you say "true and otherwise".

DL: Yeah, yeah.

LL: Not true and false.

DL: True and false. Some of the activities are not true at all, is that right?

LL: Yeah.

DL: Lindsay Lohan was on the Today Show this morning. The appearance went well; only one camera is missing. <laughter>

LL: That would be a lot for me to carry.

DL: Yeah, that would.

LL: I mean.

DL: Now, do you routinely go around grabbing stuff?

LL: Oh now, we thought that we were going to a joke when I came out where my tag was still on my dress and then you had to cut it off, and um.

DL: Well no wait a minute. Who said no to that? That's tremendous!

LL: We didn't get you in time.

DL: Oh no!

LL: I was trying to pull a fast one. But yeah, and then you were going to cut it off, and I would've said, "Oh, not again. I really can't cut any (??)". But I did buy this one.

DL: You did. But you don't, yes or no do you steal stuff?

LL: Do you?

DL: No.

LL: Do you steal your cups at the end of the [show]?

DL: No. You can have that. That's complimentary.

LL: Oh thank you. Beautiful. So we're done?

DL: Lindsay Lohan's in court so often the cafeteria has named a sandwich after her.

LL: They don't let you eat there.

DL: No, that one's not so bad, is it?

LL: What is this, like a gourmet course?

DL: Lindsay Lohan punched a psychic in a nightclub. It was right after the psychic told her, "You will soon punch a psychic in a nightclub."

LL: Set up.

DL: Now aren't you supposed to be in rehab now?

LL: Do you not watch anything that goes on..
DL: I do
LL: ...in the tabloid now?
DL: Now here's what I...
LL: May 2nd
DL: I was under the...May 2nd
LL: Yes
DL: And how long will you be in rehab?
LL: Uh, 3 months
DL: How many times have you been in rehab?
LL: Several
DL: And what uh what... How will this time be different? What are they rehabbing, first of all? What, what is on their list? What're, what are they gonna work on when you walk through the door?
LL: We didn't discuss this in the pre-interview, just saying.
DL: No, but, but it'll be 3 months and, and you
LL: No, I think, I think, to be honest I'm the happiest when I'm working and the healthiest and I think this is an opportunity for me to, you know, focus on what I love in life. And I don't think it's a bad thing. I think it's a blessing and...
DL: to be able to... yeah, it's perhaps a life saver,
LL: ...not a curse
DL: a career saving...

So do you have addiction problems?

Now you sound like Doctor Phil.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Is it like alcohol? Do you drink too much?

We've discussed this in the past.

Did we really? When did we discuss it? See, I'm the one who's having the blackouts. [Laughter] I ought to be the one in rehab! What is wrong with me? So now, when you go to the rehab, what do they do?

Let's, let's... This is... we have to work here for a movie. (We have to what?) Let's stay on the positive. Like aside from that side of the positive.

Yeah, allrght, well, we will talk about the movie.

I've been here since I was seven.

Seven years old? How many times do you think you've been here?

I wouldn't know I'd have to find out in rehab.

I have a list here, of things you've endured. Do you care? Can I run down a few things?

Oh, can I see them first?

Yeah go ahead. You can read them, or not read them.

Okay. [Chuckle, Laughs] Oh I thought you were going to be nice!

Up here these are the appetizers, these are the main courses, there are your desserts down at the bottom.

Community service hours: 560. At the morgue.

Yeah, the morgue. The L.A. county morgue?

Heavy D was there, when I was there. Yeah. I was at the L.A. county morgue. Let's go on to the next one.

Those are the jokes (Oh...)

[She reads the card] Are you OK now? It feels like people should be helping you? Do you have a funny saved therapy? Ask yourself why 'Always in Trouble?' [Stops reading] I don't know, I couldn't answer that, I'm a target, I've always been. And I've put myself in the past in situations where -you know- I take full responsibility for it, and it wasn't funny, and... I was being immature, and I was going through a phase, and had a lot of family stuff going on and things in life, and... You grow up, and you mature. And I've said that a million times, I know that. But, what else am I supposed to say when it's a process of life, and I'm not trying to deny anything that I've... any situation that I've been in.

Well, that's very nice of you to say all this, and I'm happy for you (And, but!) No! No! But I think you should be (I know where this is going!) No, you don't know where it's going but I'm saying (No I don't?) You're... lucky that now we have this uh, rehab that you're looking forward to (I am!) and you're saying what you say, and feel what you feel, before you got hurt or someone else got hurt.

No, I agree. (yeah) I am looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to taking time for myself, and the next time I come on the show, that will be in my past, and that's the past that I made.

Because the best, the best way through this, the victory is - to succeed and get through this and have a wonderful life ahead of you. (Right) And what they've always told me in psychiatry... And I've done my time! [Laughter]

We could our own photo together, how about that? That's the next cover of The Post! (Yeah!)

LL: It's like this. Do it, do it with me. I've done my time.

DL: And I'm fine. But you know what they say, and I know you've heard this, they say, well first, first we put out the fire, first we put out the fire, and then (LL: my hair) we take care of the faulty wiring.

LL: So you're miking my hair?

DL: No, it's... oh nevermind. Just, take care of the fire, then we get to the wiring problem.

LL: No, I know, it's, I've gone through a lot in life, I'm looking forward to just taking time for me. You can't make a joke of it. (DL: I just want to, I just, I'm not joking.) That's so mean. No, you're not doing that. we're not doing that.

DL: Maybe one or two?

LL: No, this is my show now. I'm gonna come back from rehab and take over your slot.

DL: How about just.... just one?

LL: No...

DL: Not one? Alright, you showed up..

LL: You showed up, because I wasn't going to!

DL: You know, they er,

LL: Oh my God! Come on, be a father figure.

DL: Alright, fine. I'm like three times your age, for the love of God. What's like so funny, like I'm dropping dead soon? Was that what it is?

LL: I just hope to be in a position like you are, and happy and healthy.

DL: Well I think you, I think you will be, that's what I'm saying, you win by taking care of your life, because people are rooting against you now, they love..

LL: They haven't before?

DL: Well, so now the best way to show them that they're wrong is (LL: No, I agree) to turn it all upside down.

LL: Thank-you. I couldn't agree more. Stop with that page!

DL: We'll be right back with Lindsay Lohan ladies and gentleman. You look good!

DL: Thank-you very much. You're on the erm, the Anger Management show with Charlie Sheen, Charlie and you were friends, lifetime friends, or he became a new friend, tell me about, explain that relationship.

LL: I met Charlie when I was doing Scary Movie 5, in Atlanta, and we discussed, you know, maybe doing, he's told me about a show that he was starting to do, and he hadn't started it yet, it kind of all came together, and it was, it's a really great set, it's a really nice environment, everyone is so funny.

DL: Did Charlie, offer to give you some money, or gave you money, or is that not true?

LL: That's something you'd have to ask Charlie.

DL: Have to ask Charlie (LL: Yep.) Er, when Charlie was off on his little trip, did you ever say to yourself, wow, this guy's nuts?

LL: I think he said it about himself, for a minute. (DL: And Charlie's been back here) He's really nice.

DL: He's a very nice fellow, and can kind of laugh about what he was up to.

LL: But you know what's something that, that I think is great about someone like him is that, I, when you're on set, and the crew's there, and they're working so hard day and night he literally says thank-you to everyone in the crew, and says hi to everyone in the crew, and really respects them and I respect that a lot, and I always have since I was a kid, and I've had a lot of actors that I've been blessed enough to work with that have told me, and I've seen that that's something important to do. So he always like has them laughing, and he has them having fun, and it's a really light-hearted, it's just a happy environment.

DL: We've been here doing the show for about thirty years and there are still people whose names I don't know. Thank-you. I know, I know, I'm..

LL: You didn't mean that. Just say you didn't mean that.

DL: Well no, I didn't mean it. It's true but I didn't mean it. Lindsay let's er show 'em a clip of the film, this opens Friday, Scary Movie, you have to be in rehab May 2nd, are you gonna be there? You'll be there right? Who's taking you to rehab? You don't want to talk about that either right?

LL: Oh God. Jimmy Fallon. And you.

DL: Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy and I will drive her to rehab.

LL: And Tina Fay and Lorne Michaels.

DL: And so when you come out you'll..

LL: No I don't want people to think that I'm making a joke of that.

DL: No you shouldn't make a joke of it (LL:I'm not) because
this could be good for you, it will be good for you.

LL: It will

DL: Have you been to this place?

LL: No, it's not like a joking matter.

DL: No, but I mean, what in life can't we make light of honestly, really? We're all...

LL: No I'm fine with making light of myself, that's why I want to walk out with a tag on..

DL: You're a good sport. I mean, we never thought we'd see you again, honestly. You know, because of the jokes and stuff but yet you have enough spine, enough sense of yourself, enough poise to come out here, and talk to me. Alright, that's enough.

LL: Oh I thought this was gonna be vodka. Shucks.

DL: You've gotta stop drinking, they don't let you drink in rehab do they?

LL: It was a joke!

DL: I know. I wish you'd come out with the tags on your dress though.

LL: I know, it would have been so funny.

DL: Yeah. Well do that on Fallon.

LL: It's not funny because it's hurtful towards me, but..

DL It's fun isn't it?

LL: No, I love seeing you.

DL: I love seeing you, honestly. (LL: I do. Stop.) Aw, she's tearing up a little bit, God bless you, there you go.

Member of the audience: I love you Lindsay!

LL: I love you too.

DL: Let's take a look at the clip now what is this gonna be?

LL: Um, I believe this is a scene from Scary movie when I'm with Charlie in the bedroom .

DL: And you see something, he sees something that scares him, you see something that scares you.

LL: Yeah, he actually saw what happens in the scene. I haven't seen it yet but um, oh thanks let's make that obvious and all, erm, but, no he sees something in the scene, and there's a lot of things that happen in the scene, sorry I'm flustered right now, because you made me tear up because you're very sweet, (DL: I'm sorry) um, whatever, just watch the clip.

DL: Take a look at the clip.

LL: Whatever.

DL You see it's Scary Movie 5, ladies and gentlemen. Lindsay Lohan. God bless you, good luck to you, thank-you for everything. There she is, we'll be right back with Pete Levy, ladies and gentleman.

LL: Thank-you.