If you subscribe to the theory that a way of thinking can be assigned to a gender, I definitely tend to think more like a man than like a woman. But if there is one point of view that men hold that I absolutely cannot and will not cosign, it is the bullshit notion that a woman can have sex any time she wants to. As any decent woman can tell you, the very idea of it is so preposterous that I cannot believe a post needs to be written about it, but many men really do believe this. So allow me to once and for all break down this fallacy so that men will finally understand how very wrong they are.
Picture the scenario. You’re a woman and you’re single. You’re not dating anyone, you have neither f*ck buddy nor friend with benefits, no e-boo, not even a crush. No entertainment dudes, no bookmarks, no substitute. You are single. And you’re horny. You haven’t had sex in 19 months and your private parts are mad as hell at you. You’re developing carpal tunnel syndrome in your right wrist from working the shit out of your vibrator. You feel like if you don’t get some sex soon you are going to stab someone. The situation is that dire.
So what do you do?
You can go out and meet someone, if you are fortunate enough to live in a city in which there are men worthy of meeting. But even in the most fast-tracked of scenarios, at the very least you’ll have to wait three days from meeting the dude to f*cking him. And you can really only turn it around that quickly if it’s someone you don’t like. If you do like him, f*cking him on the first date is not a good look, so you’ve got to wait – what? About three weeks or so? Not the worst thing in the world, but it’s not going to put out the fire that is blazing in your panties right now, is it?
Your next option is to find a single male friend that you can bump uglies with. Which means you either have to invite him over under some pretense and hope he magically intuits that you want to bone, or you have to be a big girl and ask him to please come over and blow your back out. Now if this is truly a platonic friend, if you call him up out of the blue and say “Lovesponge will you please come over and fuck my brains out?” he’s going to be caught off-guard. He might even burst into nervous laughter. He’ll want to believe you but he’s going to think you’re joking. Then you have to work overtime to convince him that you’ve never been more serious in your life. Then after you convince him that you mean what you’re saying, he’ll probably start to worry about whether it’s a good idea or if you risk doing irreparable damage to your friendship. So now you have to convince him that it is the best idea ever and promise that you won’t catch feelings and mess up the friendship. This is, of course, a lie. You’re a girl and you’re probably not wired for this kind of no-strings sex. After all of that, assuming your friend is attracted to you and free that evening, you iron out the logistics of the thing – where are you doing this, who is supplying the condoms, are sleepovers and post-sex phone calls mandatory? And after all of that convincing and negotiating you finally, finally have sex in your sights. Unfortunately the whole experience has been so demoralizing that your ladyparts are all dried up; yet still throbbing with unresolved horniness.
Or you can walk down the street and ask the first man who crosses your path and does not look crazy to come upstairs and break you off. But he’s probably going to think you’re crazy and keep walking.
Or you can hire a male hooker. But they tend to be skeevy and effeminate. So that’s probably not going to work either.
If you’re a woman in this scenario, your best bet is to go to a man you know who really isn’t your friend and ask him to come over and long stroke you. You still might have to convince him that you’re serious, but it won’t take as long as it did with your friend. You won’t have to have the discussion about how it affects your friendship because you don’t have one. It’ll probably take you no more than 15 minutes to convince this dude to head over to your place. Unfortunately, unbeknownst (or maybe unbecarest) to you, the man has now painted you with his mental “slack” brush because you’ve offered up the nani and he didn’t have to do any work for it. Therefore he will take his sweet old time getting to your place – you’re clearly not going anywhere. When he gets there he’ll probably look you up and down and say “What are you waiting for? Take off your clothes. You know the deal – it’s not like you’re a virgin”. Which is something less than sexy. He’s not going to give you much foreplay, may not even kiss you and probably won’t even look at you while you’re fucking. He’s not going to put work in to make you feel good, because hey doesn’t everything feel good to a woman who basically had to call up a semi-stranger to beg for sex? Once he gets his nut, he’s going the fuck to sleep and if you didn’t get yours, oh well. And once he wakes up from his nap he’s out with nary a backward glance.
So yeah…you got fucked. But you also got fucked and need several showers. And horniness doesn’t seem so bad in comparison.
Now let me take a moment to admit that I am being a little over the top here. I have to in order to make men understand this. Because the underlying principle usually escapes men. Men are bored and unmotivated to go after anything that is freely offered to them. Because they are being deprived of the hunt that is so essential to their good behaviour. So yes technically a woman can get sex any time she wants, if she doesn’t mind begging for it and being treated like a whore. But can she get sex that she won’t need six weeks in therapy to recover from? Not really.
At the end of the day, it’s like this: saying a woman can get sex any time she wants is like telling a homeless person they can get food any time they want. I guess they can if they don’t mind picking it out of the garbage and eating around the mold. I mean, you might get salmonella but at least your belly’s full, right?
But what say you guys? Ladies can you get sex any time you want? Men, have I convinced you?
this is hilarious & beautifully written