English Script Request

Carol: Hi, and welcome to 'My Personal Best'. What you're about to see is a collection of some of my favourite moments from the 'Carol Burnett Show'. I chose these sketches and many musicals from over one-thousand routines that we performed on television right here in this very studio during the eleven years of our show.

Some of the selections that you're gonna (going to) see on this cassette will include a family sketch where Eunice finally gets her big break in show business and gets to appear on the 'Gong Show'. There is a military sketch called 'Fire At Will', where we see Captain Harvey Korman giving the order to fire a cannonball at the advancing army, and then helplessly standing by for an eternity while Corporal Tim Conway attempts to load the cannon.

And then-- oh-- there's our civil war epic, 'Went with the Wind,' which features the whole cast - Nicky, Tim, Harvey... uh, I'm naturally Scarlett O'Hara... and we appear along with our guest star Dinah Shore, and uh, well there's kind of an interesting note, I think. In one part of the sketch, uh... my character, Scarlett - Starlett, we call her - appears on the staircase wearing some draperies that she obviously just grabbed from a window. Well, our writers and uh... our costume designer, Bob Mackey suggested that I leave the curtain rod in the draperies. Which I did. So with the shoulders out to here, uhm, I come down this winding staircase and uh... I say to Harvey as Rhett Butler, "I saw it in the window and I just simply couldn't resist it." Well, the side-gag, coming down those stairs, I think got one of the longest laughs - I know it did - that we ever received during the entire run of our series.

So uh... sit back, relax, and I sure hope you enjoy sharing these special moments as much as we enjoyed creating what I feel were some of my personal best.

(Applause)

THE KIDNAPPING
Investigator: Well that's enough questions for now Mrs. Ferguson. Look, I know it's been hard for you but... well it's the only way I can find the man who kidnapped your husband!
Mrs. Ferguson: I understand.
Investigator: And now Mrs. Ferguson, if you're up to making a public statement for TV I think it might help.
Mrs. Ferguson: Alright, if it would help.
TV Interviewer: I'm Leo Mackenzie, Mrs. Ferguson. We'd like to ask you a few more questions for the viewing audience; that is, if you're up to it.
Mrs. Ferguson: I suppose.
Leo: You'll get used to the lights. Don't worry about this. This will be edited into our 6pm news broadcast tonight. We have found in the past that such broadcasts sometimes provide clues so that we can help catch such men as the kidnappers.
Mrs. Ferguson: I see, yes.
Leo: Alright, are you ready Mrs. Ferguson? Alright boys, ready?
Crewman: We're ready.

Leo: (clearing throat) This is Leo Mackenzie, speaking to you from the home of Mrs. Arthur Ferguson, the wife of noted financier and art collector, who was kidnapped today from the parking lot of his downtown office. Mrs. Ferguson, can you tell us exactly how you found out about the kidnapping?
Mrs. Ferguson: Yes, well-- it was about, uh-- two this afternoon. I was here alone, and uh-- and the phone rang and... and I picked it up and uh... it was this man, and uh... he said that they had kidnapped Arthur, and uh... that I was supposed to take all the money that we had out of the bank and uh... and give it to them... or else.
Leo: Did they let you speak to your husband?
Mrs. Ferguson: O-Only for a moment, and uh... and he said, "Helen, give them anything they want," and uh... then they hung up...
Leo: How did you feel at that moment?
Mrs. Ferguson: I don't know, I just... I thought it was some kind of a joke, you know?
Leo: How do you feel now, Mrs. Ferguson?
Mrs. Ferguson: I don't know, I just... I just want my husband home safe.
Leo: Just one last question, Mrs. Ferguson. Do you have anything you'd like to say to the kidnappers, should they be listening?
Mrs. Ferguson: Oh yes-- Oh please, please bring my Arthur back to me home... Please, I-- I'll give you anything you want. You can have all the money you want. Please just bring my husband back... (weeping)

Leo: Thank you, Mrs. Ferguson. Thank you. Okay, that's it. How was it boys?
Crewman: Fine for video.
Audio engineer: Wait a minute; sound wasn't right.
Leo: The sound wasn't right? Okay. Hold the lights, hold the lights.
(laughter)
Leo: Uh-- Mrs. Ferguson, we had some mechanical difficulties. Could we just run over that round again quickly? Just repeat what you said.
Mrs. Ferguson: My God, I don't think I remember exactly what I said...
Leo: Well, you don't have to remember exactly, you know. They don't have to be the exact words. Just, you know, how you were stunned when you got the call, and how you wanted your husband back safe, and all that stuff about the better nature of the kidnappers and so on. Okay?
Mrs. Ferguson: Alright, yes.
Leo: Thank you. Ready boys?
Crewman: Go ahead now.

Leo: Alright. Uh... Mrs. Ferguson, can you tell us exactly how you found out about the kidnapping?
Mrs. Ferguson: Uhm... Well I was here and the telephone rang, and I picked it up and this man said that he had Arthur.
Leo: And then what did he say? Anything about terms or conditions? Any threats?
Mrs. Ferguson: Oh yes, I forgot... that-- he said that I was supposed to give them all our money.
Leo: Uh, Cole-- Cut it, cut it! Will you boys? Uhm... I'm sorry. Mrs. Ferguson, could we just zip back and take this from the beginning?
Mrs. Ferguson: Oh--
Leo: You know, when you first told me about this, you were more, uh... emotional. You know, when you said you got the call about two, and that they had Arthur, and for you to withdraw all of your savings or else... Then you just couldn't go on, I mean you just stopped right there.
Mrs. Ferguson: (I stopped?)
Leo: You see, it was more... real. You see what I mean?
Mrs. Ferguson: Yes, yes.
Leo: Can we aim for that again?
Mrs. Ferguson: Yes, I was here, and that the the phone rang and it was two...
Leo: Thank you. Okay? Ready boys?
Crewman: We're ready.

Leo: Mrs. Ferguson, could you tell us exactly how you found out about the kidnapping?
Mrs. Ferguson: Well, uhm... I was here and it-- it was about two o'clock, and um... the phone rang and I picked it up, and uh-- it was this man... and they said that uh... they had kidnapped Arthur... and uh... if I didn't give them all the money we had... he said that I had better, or else... (weeping)

Could I try that one more time? I really think I could do it a lot better. I think that what-- I don't feel that I was quite as upset as I was when we did it before. I really think I could do it... (unintelligible)
Leo: Oh, okay.
Mrs Ferguson: (unintelligible)
Leo: Okay, sure.
Mrs. Ferguson: Are we still rolling?
Leo: Yes, we're still rolling. Don't-- Don't pay any attention to how you look or how you sound. Just-- Just throw it away.
Mrs. Ferguson: Just give me the cue... (unintelligible)
Leo: Alright.

Leo: Mrs, Ferguson, could you tell us exactly how you found out about the kidnapping?
Mrs. Ferguson: It was about two... and I was here alone and... the phone rang... and... well I don't think that it was my mother, you know? And I skipped over and picked it up and... Ugh! It was this man! And he said... he said that they'd kidnapped my husband! And that they were gonna (slicing sound), or else... (unintelligible) money!
Leo: Mrs. Ferguson, do you have anything to say to the kidnapper?
Mrs. Ferguson: Oh, yes! Oh please! Please! Pleeeeease! Just bring my husband back to me! I'll give you anything you want, take our hard earned money! Only please, p lease bring me back my husband! (wailing)
(applause)

Leo: Thank you. Thank you very much, Mrs. Ferguson. Okay, how was that boys?
Crewman: Good on video.
Audio engineer: Fine for sound.
Leo: Okay fine--
Mrs. Ferguson: Was it sincere enough, do you think?
Leo: Oh, it's fine!
Mrs. Ferguson: Do you not want to go through it again?
Leo: Oh, no, no, no! It's very well done.
Mrs. Ferguson: It's real?
Leo: Oh, very good. Thank you.
Mrs. Ferguson: You thought it was real enough?
Leo: Oh yes, yes. Thank you.
Mrs. Ferguson: Okay, alright. Okay, thank you.
Leo: Thank you very much.
Mrs. Ferguson: You're sure now?
Leo: Oh, it's fine. Perfectly well done.
Mrs. Ferguson: Oh, can I ask--
Leo: What?
Mrs. Ferguson: This is on the six o'clock news, will it be on early? I suppose--
Leo: Well, it'll be about ten minutes in. Right after the earthquake.
Mrs. Ferguson: Oh...
Leo: Oh! That's a very good spot!
Mrs. Ferguson: Oh, it is?
Leo: Just before sports!
Mrs. Ferguson: Oh! Thank you.
Leo: Thank you for letting us interview you about your husband.
Mrs. Ferguson: Thank you. Certainly.
Investigator: Mrs. Ferguson, we'll let you know the minute we find anything out.
Mrs. Ferguson: Thank you.
Investigator: Now, stay near the phone and be sure and keep it clear.
Mrs. Ferguson: Keep the phone... yes. Thank you!
Investigator: Right.
Mrs. Ferguson: Thank you, gentlemen.

Mrs. Ferguson: Hi Roberta, it's Helen. Listen, I'm gonna be on the six o'clock news tonight on TV. I'm being interviewed. Oh, you'll find out soon enough what about. They said that I did a pretty good job, but you know showbiz; probably my best moments will wind up on the cutting room floor but be sure...

(Outro)

MAMA, EUNICE & ED
"The Gong Show" with Chuck Barris

Man: No bread, no crackers, no nothing! [1]
Woman: Come on Mama! Come on!
Man: You know I gone and near called the police about you two?[2] What's in those packages?
Woman: Oh, just a few things that I need, Ed!
Ed: Do you know that refrigerator is bare? But I suppose the inside of our refrigerator is the last thing on your mind these days!
Woman: That's right! Oh, don't let me forget to turn on my TV program Mama at 11:30; I wanna (want to) see how my showcase is coming.
Mama: Oh lord Eunice, when are you gonna come down out of the classroom and quit acting so goofy?
Ed: You should've tried living with her the last two weeks! She has lost all respect for her marriage vows. She never sets a foot in that kitchen!
Eunice: Oh well don't you worry about it kiddo, because this time tomorrow I'm gonna be living it up in Hollywood, California, and you're gonna be stuck right here, just staring at the grimy wallpaper. (laughter)

Hey! Hey! I wrote a whole new thing for my song that I'm gonna do out there. I've got a real inspiration, now I want you to listen to it. I think you're gonna like it and I wanna see what you think about it, okay?

Sit down! Sit down! Sit down! Sit down!
Ed: (Imitating her)
Eunice: Ed, what's the matter with you?
Ed: I asked you what you bought today!
Eunice: Just a few necessities, Ed.
Ed: Necessities?
Eunice: Yes, necessities. I mean person doesn't go on TV looking like a sack of potatoes. I mean why don't you just wise up? We are talking about national TV here.
Ed: And I'm talking about the way you're leading us down to the poorhouse! Which believe me, you'd better be prepared to move into when you come home next week!
Eunice: IF I come home next week.
Ed: Just what do you mean by that?
Eunice: Well silly Ed, don't you realize that sometimes when a person is on TV a producer sees them and then who knows, I might just get a television part or something and just have to stay out in Hollywood for a while.
Mama: A television part? Eunice you are nuts.
Eunice: You really think so mama, huh? is that what you think? Would you like to hear the letter again?
Mama: Oh, no I would not.
Ed: Eunice don't read it again!

Eunice: Dear Mrs. Higgins, we enjoyed your audition and would like to have you perform on the Gong Show. RSVP by calling us (unintelligible). You will be expected to report to the studio at 4pm on February the 6th. Report to the studio... now who's nuts Mama?
Ed: So you damn right[sic], you get that damn letter and I get stuck here with all these bills!
Eunice: Oh poo, I only spent a little over two-hundred and twenty-five dollars.
Ed: Plus two-hundred and seventy-five dollars for the air fare! What the hell do you need a bathing suit for?
Eunice: Put that down, don't you understand anything? I mean what if one of them panelists should call me up from the Gong Show the next day and say, "Hey Eunice, come on over. A whole bunch of us are hot knobbin' by the pool," I've got to have something to wear!
Ed: That is money down the drain if you ask me and I'm not gonna stand for it! This stuff is going back first thing tomorrow!

Eunice: You just lay your hands off of my things mister. In all of our married life I have never spent one dime on myself. Now this comes to little over five-hundred dollars, which amounts to fifteen lousy years of marriage - less than a nickel a day. Now if I'm not worth a nickel a day, why don't you go out and hire somebody to do what I do around here and see how much it costs you.
Mama: You know Ed, not that I was gonna mention it, but I think it should be worth something for me to take care of you in the house; for you and the boys while Eunice is gone! [sic]
Ed: You just get your hand out of my pocket old lady. Did you pay me for laying your linoleum, and fixing your leaky toilet, and putting up your (unintelligible)?
Mama: Oh well alright, I said I wasn't gonna mention it!
Eunice: Alright, alright now, you two! Come on! Calm down, I want you to hear this new part that I put in. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!
Mama: Eunice, I've heard this damn song so many times I can cite it in my sleep!
Ed: Me too! And I gotta get something in my stomach! [3]
Eunice: Ed, sit down.

Okay now - they introduce me see, and I come out and I smile, an orchestra goes (music sounds) and I go,

Feelings
Nothing more than feelings
Trying to forget my feelings of love

Tear drops
Rolling down on my face
Trying to forget the feelings of love

Feeling
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Feeling
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Feeling again in arms

Oh yes, feelings. I know all about feelings. What is life without feeling? Some feelings are bad, like I remember the time I skinned my knee when I was jumping rope with Eula May down on Dandelion Street, and oh sure your feelings can get hurt. Like the one time I foolishly give (gave) my heart away to Raymond down the street, who cruelly threw me aside.

And today, Raymond is a drunken bum. But Raymond if you are watching this, I want you to know that the feelings I have in my heart for you are nothing but forgiveness.

Oh yes, yes, yes. Yes! Yes, there are so many good feelings too! The ones I get, watching the dawn come up and caress the deep purple walls of the great town, (unintelligible). Feelings. I would die without my...

Feeling
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Feeling
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Feeling again in arms

Eunice: Well, whatcha' think about the new part?
Mama: What was the new part?
Eunice: All that stuff, all that talk about feelings, all that. I wrote all that spoken word myself.
Mama: Where in the hell did you ever jump rope with Eula May? You two couldn't stand each other.
Ed: Who's this Raymond?
Mama: When are you up at dawn?
Eunice: Oh, will you two just stop. I do not have time to take the time to explain poetic license to the two of you. Now will you just tell me whatcha' thought?
Mama: Well, I think you ought to stick to the shorter version.
Ed: Me too. I think keep it short and peppy.
Eunice: Peppy. You think Peggy Lee got to be a star by singing short and peppy songs? Oh, (unintelligible) on, I told you to tell me!

Television host: ...battle of celebrities. Now, the celebrities are rated, and the act with the highest score will receive this beautiful little trophy and this cheque for five-hundred and sixteen dollars and thirty-two civvies. Thank you (unintelligible).

Eunice: Now, you see that Ed; you see that prize money will more than make up for the investment that you got in me.
Mama: Well now Eunice, there is a chance that you ain't gonna win the prize money.
Ed: Yeah, you might even get gonged.
Eunice: For your information mister, I have a class A act, and they only gong the bad acts. They only gong the real goofball acts. They do not gong a class A act. Just you wait you cutie little Chuck Barris, I'm gonna get out there and I'm gonna set you right on your ear.

* * *

Producer: Mr. Pittman, you're on next. Good luck. Mrs. Higgins, now you're on right after Mr. Pittman.
Eunice: Yes.
Producer: And now, meanwhile there's a phone call for you over there.
Eunice: A phone call?
Producer: Right there.
Eunice: Hello? This is Eunice Higgins speaking.
Mama: I heard Eunice, how'd it go?
Eunice: Mama? Mama what the hell are you doing calling me backstage? I'm just about to go on!
Mama: Well never mind all that, I'm calling you to find out what them boys of your's will eat. Last night they wouldn't eat my stew, tonight I made them macaroni and cheese...
Eunice: Mama, I'm about to go on any minute now!
Mama: Well alright, alright! I guess it's providence that I called you before you went on, because I've been giving it a lot of thought Eunice and I think you best leave out that part about Eula May and Raymond.
Eunice: I can't change my song in the middle of my act at this part!
Mama: Well you better because I'm telling you, that part is terrible! In fact it's just plain embarrassing Eunice! Ed, talk her out of doing any of that spoken junk.
Ed: Hi Euni, how'd it go?
Eunice: I haven't gone on yet you moron! Now put that old witch back on the phone!
Ed: She wants to talk to you.
Mama: Yes?
Eunice: Mama, it may be embarrassing for you to watch, but the producers picked me to be on this show and I will do whatever I think is best for my career. Now do you understand that Mama?
Mama: Ed, tell your wife to get back on home here.
Ed: Say there Euni, when are you coming home?
Eunice: I am never coming home! I am going straight to the top! I'm gonna have me a big house! With a swimming pool! And a yard! And if necessary I'm gonna hire me a bodyguard and a lawyer to keep the two of you off of my property!
Producer: Mrs. Higgins come on, come on!
Eunice: I'm on! I'm onto you, hear that? I'm on!

Chuck: Okay, here we go. Alright, now... Now this next act comes all the way from Grey Town and she gives me a special feeling, but I wish she'd keep her hands to herself, alright. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, Eunice Higgins!

Eunice:
Feelings
Nothing more than feelings
Trying to forget my feelings of love

Tear drops
Rolling down on my face
Trying to forget my feelings of love

Feelings
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Feelings
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Feeling again in my arms
Feelings
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Feelings

(Gong strike)

[1] "No bread, no crackers, nothing!" is the grammatically correct way of saying this. "No bread, no crackers, nothing at all!" also works.
[2] This is grammatically incorrect, and a very colloquial way of speaking in the southern US. A more correct way to say this would be "You know, I nearly called the police on you two!"
[3] He is saying that he wants Eunice to cook him a meal.

FIRE AT WILL

Soldier: Any sign of the enemy, captain?
Captain: No! But I know they're out there. They're dug in right in that valley. Now, let's see...

Now, let's see. They know that we're here. And they know that we know that they're there. Now, they know how many soldiers we have. And they know that we know how many soldiers they have. Now, they know what we have to do. And they know that we know what they're gonna have to do. But there's one thing we know that they don't know.
Soldier: Well I don't know that one sir, but you know the one about the farmer - he's got a box...
Captain: Attention! I said get on with it soldier! I mean they don't know that we have old Bessie here.
Soldier: Ah ha!
Captain: Ah ha!
Soldier: Ah ha!
Captain: Now, let's... Now, we've got to find some way of getting them out into the open.
Soldier: Right sir.
Captain: I've got it! I'll take my men around to their right flank and I'll fire two shots in the air. That'll bring them out into the open. When they get into the middle of the clearing, I'll yell 'fire!' And you let go with old Bessie there! Boom! You got that?
Soldier: I got that sir, yes sir.
Captain: Okay.
Soldier: Good luck sir.
Captain: Company! Huuuut!

Captain: Fire! Here they come! Fire!
Soldier: Fire!
Captain: Fire!
Soldier: Right sir! Won't be long sir!
Captain: Fire!
Soldier: Right sir!
Captain: Fire!
Soldier: Right sir!
Captain: Fire!
Soldier: Right sir!
Captain: Fire! Retreat, retreat!

Soldier: Well how am I glad[1] that you're here sir! Can you help me get this thing in here, sir?
Captain: You mean to tell me we were risking our lives down there, and you didn't even get this thing loaded yet?
Soldier: I tried-- Well now, maybe we ought to have a different plan sir--
Captain: Who's running this outfit?
Soldier: I'm sorry sir, yes sir.
Captain: Alright, now is there a cannonball in there?
Soldier: Yes sir, you put it in there yourself.
Captain: Alright, this time I'll go around to their left flank.
Soldier: Right sir.
Captain: I'll fire two shots in the air and then you... whoa! Got it?
Soldier: That's right!
Captain: Alright! Company! Huuuut!

Soldier: (mumbling)
Soldier: Uh sir, we got that--
Captain: Here they come!
Soldier: Right sir, right-- I don't have a--
Captain: Fire!
Soldier: I don't have a... sir!
Captain: Fire! Fire!
Soldier: Right sir!
Captain: Fire! Fire! Fire!
Soldier: Right sir!
Captain: Fire! Fire! Fire!
Soldier: I'm coming sir, hang--
Captain: Fire! Fire! Retreat, retreat!

Captain: Why didn't you fire the cannon?
Soldier: (unintelligible) the funniest thing happened--
Captain: Funny thing?
Soldier: Yeah, you're not laughing!
Captain: (unintelligible) I almost died down there!
Soldier: I got the stuck stick in there, stick stuck in there sir.
Captain: You got your stick stuck in there, you mean this thing right here?
Soldier: How'd you do that?
Captain: Alright! Is this cannon ready for firing?
Soldier: Yes sir! She's all set now sir, yes sir.
Captain: Alright, are you sure?
Soldier: I'm sure, yes sir.
Captain: Alright, I'm gonna take the men around to their left flank. I'll fire two shots in the air and then fire and then-- woah! Company! Huuut!

Captain: Here they come! Fire!
Soldier: Right sir!
Captain: Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Retreat, retreat again! Retreat again!

Soldier: Uh sir, if you have a match we'll be all set, uh...
Captain: Why you lamebrain, numbskull nincompoop! Here, I'll fire the cannon and you lead the men into battle! Here, give me this thing! You take this! Alright! Now...
Soldier: Oh, this is gonna be good!
Captain: Alright, you go around to their left flank, then fire two shots in the air with this you got it?
Soldier: Okay, I go around to the left. I fire two shots.
(Gunshots)
Soldier: Men, huuut!

[1] This is mostly colloquial to the southern United States. "Well aren't I glad that you're here sir!" is a more standard way of saying this.

WRONG NUMBER

Man: Hello?
Woman: Who was it?
Man: I don't know. Didn't say anything, just hung up.
Woman: Why'd they hang up?
Man: Probably had the wrong number.
Woman: Where would someone call a wrong number at this time of night?
Man: Calling the wrong number any time of night.
Woman: Why would they pick this number?
Man: I don't think they picked this number, (they) probably just dialed the wrong number.

Woman: Is it a signal?
Man: Is what a signal?
Woman: Your friend that called.
Man: He's not my friend.
Woman: "He's not?"
Man: No.
Woman: But you said they didn't say anything.
Man: They didn't.
Woman: Then how do you know it's a "he?"
Man: I don't.
Woman: But you just said, "He's not my friend."
Man: It's just a figure of speech when you say that, see. What I should've said was, "whoever it was, they didn't say anything."
Woman: Then why didn't you say that?
Man: I don't know. I wish I would've.

Woman: Was that part of your plan?
Man: What plan?
Woman: To confuse me.
Man: How would I confuse you?
Woman: Very simple. You just said it was a "he", when it's really a "she". But you're saying "whoever" to confuse me.
Man: That's confusing me. She who?
Woman: Don't ask me, she's your friend.
Man: There's no she, that's just a wrong number, that's all.

Woman: Is she pretty?
Man: Who?
Woman: Your girlfriend!
Man: Oh, for crying out loud! Look, there's no she. Somebody just dialed, got the wrong number that's all. That's all that was.
Woman: Was that a signal?
Man: What?
Woman: Closing the window.
Man: I was closing the window because I was cold.
Woman: Why didn't you close the window before you got the signal on the phone?
Man: I wasn't cold before I got the signal!
Woman: It is a signal!

Man: Look. There's no signal, see. No she. It's the wrong number on the phone, I just closed that because I was cold, that's all. Now go to sleep. Gosh!
Woman: Are you sure she saw that?
Man: What?
Woman: The lights, going on and off.
Man: Did who see that?
Woman: You tell me, she's your friend.
Man: Martha, why don't you just go to sleep? It's two-thirty.
Woman: How did you know it's two-thirty?
Man: Because that's what the clock says.
Woman: Or is it because she said she was gonna call at two-thirty?
Man: Who?
Woman: The girl that's waiting outside for your signals of closing the window and turning the lights on and off, that's who.

Man: Look. There's no girl, there's nobody waiting or aything. That was the wrong number, do you understand? Now why in your wildest imagination would I wanna even want to mess around with another woman? You know I love you. For crying out loud. Get to sleep, will you? Gosh.
Woman: Honey, I'm sorry. I guess I'm... just jealous.
Man: Oh, there's no reason to be that. I love you, now you just go to sleep. I gotta get up early.
Woman: I love you too. And I'm sorry.
Man: Alright. Don't worry.

Woman: You open that door and I'll blow you to hell.

THE RECITAL
(no lines)

WENT WITH THE WIND!
Guest Star, Dinah Shore

Atlanta Terra Plantation somewhere in Georgia

Man: Afternoon, Ms. Starlet. You're even lovelier than ever!
Starlet: Oh, why cousin Beauregard, how you do turn a girl's head!
Old Man: Ms. Starlet, I swear, you are a vision.
Starlet: Oh Cotton, you've got enough charm in you to be twins!
Bearded Man: Remember me, Ms. Starlet?
Starlet: Oh, Billy Joe, my goodness I thought you jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge!

Maid: Ms. Starlet! Ms. Starlet! Ms. Starlet! Ms. Starlet! Ms. Starlet! Ms. Starlet!
Starlet: What is it, Sissy?
Sissy: It's Mr. Brashley, he's here!
Starlet: Mr. Brashley? He's here? Oh, fix my hair, straighten my dress and pinch my cheeks, I gotta look my best! What are you doing girl, leave me alone!

Starlet: Oh, my Brashley is here? Oh! Oh, why Brashley Wilkes, how good of you to come!
Brashley: Yes. Thank you Ms. Starlet, I believe you know my cousin Melody?
Starlet: Yes, of course I do. Come in. This way!
Melody: My goodness!

Brashley: Whoa!
Starlet: Brashley darling, why don't you go into the parlour and I'll join you directly, huh?
Brashley: Uh, well what about Melody?
Starlet: Oh, don't worry. Don't worry about Melody... I'll take care of that twit.

Starlet: Hello Melody!
Melody: Hello Starlet! How sweet of you, how kind of you to invite me.
Starlet: I know, but come on in anyway.
Melody: May I take this moment to tell you how very much I do admire you, and I certainly hope some day we can be as close as sisters.
Starlet: In the meantime Melody, why don't you just stick your head in the punch bowl, I'm sure it could use a little more sugar.
Melody: Alright!

Starlet: Brashley my darling, I've got something to tell you.
Brashley: Well, I have--
Starlet: No, no, no! Let me tell you mine first and then you can tell me yours.
Brashley: Mmh.
Starlet: Oh Brashley, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I really, really do love you. Now, what was it you wanted to tell me, darling?
Brashley: I wish you'd have said that sooner... this isn't gonna be easy--
Starlet: Oh, Brashley I love you, I love you--
Brashley: Well, uh... I married Melody this afternoon...
Starlet: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! How could you do that to me? How could you?
Brashley: Uh, well it wasn't... (unintelligible)
Starlet: Forget about it! I never wanna see you again! Get out of my sight forever!
Brashley: Oh boy, for a minute there I thought you were gonna be mad!

Starlet: Oh, I'm just so upset I could spit! Oh!
Unknown man: Hold on there, sweetheart. You’re liable to bust a stay.
Starlet: Sir, you should've let your presence be known. Just who are you and how did you get in here?
Unknown man: I'm Captain Rhett Butler, and I arrived here by way of a streetcar named 'Desire'.[1]
Starlet: You sir, are no gentleman.
Ratt: And you Miss O'Hara are no lady.
Starlet: Oh! Oh!
Ratt: Starlet, I love you! You and I are cut out of the same rotten dirty cloth. Renegades, both of us. If it weren't for this blasted war I'd marry you in a minute.
Starlet: What war?
Sissy: Miss Starlet! Miss Starlet! They’ve done declared war! War! They're coming right this way!
Starlet: War? Don’t leave! Come on! The party is just starting! It’s the shank of the
night![2] Wait! Oh, shoot! Well, fiddle-dee-dee!

Ratt: Starlet, I’m on my way to war. A lonely soldier going to a most certain death.
Don’t you wanna give me something to remember you by?
Starlet: I certainly do.
Ratt: That ought to do it. Let’s go, Brashley. We don’t want to keep the war
waiting.
Starlet & Melody: Good-bye, my darling Brashley!
Melody: Why, Starlet! Your concern for my Brashley is overwhelming! You have a full and generous heart.
Starlet: You're sick.

Sissy: Oh! Miss Starlet! Miss Starlet! I’m so scared! All the guns and this noise! (unintelligible) Oh, Miss Starlet, what are we gonna do?
Starlet: There’s only one thing left to do. We’re gonna have to stay here and
defend Terra.
Sissy: Just the three of us?
Starlet: Just the three of us.
Melody: Oh, dear Starlet, I do hate to disagree with you. The four of us. I do
believe I’m going to have a baby.
Starlet: A baby?
Melody: Yes.
Starlet: Oh, shoot! What are we going to do with a baby in the middle of a war?
Sissy: Oh, now, don’t you worry none, Miss Starlet. I know everything there is to
know about birthing babies. I’ve done it lots of times.
Starlet: Oh, good.
Melody: Oh, that is such a comfort to me, Sissy, because I do believe I’m going to
have it now!
Sissy: Oh, my goodness, Miss Starlet! I don’t know whatever made me lie! I
don’t know nothing...
Sissy: I’ll try. Now, Miss Melody, you just go rest on the sofa, and Miss Starlet,
you go on upstairs and get some clean linens and boil lots of water.
Starlet: Alright.
Sissy: I'll get the door.

Soldier: Ma’am, this is to inform you that General Sherman’s army is now
occupying Atlanta. You got a match?
Sissy: Oh, yeah, sure. Here you go.
Soldier: Thank you.

Starlet: Sissy? Who was that at the door?
Sissy: Just some soldier.
Starlet: Great balls of fire! They’re burning Atlanta!
Sissy: You better hurry on down here with them linens, Miss Starlet. This baby
ain’t gonna wait for no fire hose.
Starlet: Alright.
Melody: Goodness!
Starlet: Here. Here’s your hot water.
Melody: Good heavens!
Starlet: Here’s your linens.
Melody: Oh! Oh my!

Starlet:
Oh! Oh! What am I gonna do?
Starlet O’Hara is not gonna be trifled with
As God is my witness, these Yankees aren’t gonna beat me! (Oh, I do hate to be a bother!)
If I have to...

If I have to lie, steal, cheat, and murder, I won’t be defeated. And when
this war is over, I’ll never, never, never, never, never....

I’ll never go hungry again
If I gotta make tuna casseroles
And go without my grits
This war won’t get the best of me
I’m not down yet

Starlet: Will you two shut up!

TO BE CONTINUED

* * *

TERRA PLANTATION
One War Later

Sissy: Miss Starlet, Miss Starlet, Miss Starlet! Miss Starlet, Miss Starlet, Miss
Starlet! Miss Starlet, Miss Starlet, Miss Starlet! Miss Starlet, Miss Starlet, Miss Starlet! Miss--
Starlet: What?!
Sissy: I got good news.
Starlet: What is it?
Sissy: The war is over!
Starlet: Thank the Lord!
Melody: Oh, the war is over!
Sissy: Now for the bad news. There’s a Yankee soldier coming up the walk and
he’s got a gun!
Starlet: A Yankee here at Terra? Oh, what’ll we do?
Melody: Well, you can’t ask him in. It simply isn’t done.
Sissy: He’s at the door! He’s at the door!
Sissy: I’ll get it.

Soldier: Afternoon, ladies. I’m here to collect the $300 back taxes on Terra.
Starlet: Oh! Well, uh, won’t you step into the parlor while I fetch my pocketbook?
Soldier: Very well, but you better be quick about it.
Starlet: I will. Why don’t you just go right over here. Uh, tell me, could I offer
you a chair?
Soldier: Why, yes. I don’t mind if I do.
Starlet: You got it.
Sissy: Head for the hills, Miss Starlet! There’s another soldier coming up the
walk!
Starlet: Another one? What the heck did you do, Melody? Tie a yellow ribbon
round the old oak tree?[3]

Brashley: Ciao! Thanks for the ride, boys. Maybe we’ll win the next one!
Brashley: Hi, girls. What’s for dinner?
Starlet & Melody: Brashley!
Melody: Brashley! You’re back! Oh, my darling Brashley! Now that the war is
over, my darling, we’ll never let anything come between us ever again.
Starlet: Brashley! Brashley! Brashley!
Brashley: Oh, uh, howdy, Starlet. What’s new?

Starlet: Nothin’. Nothin’ is new, darlin’. Everything is just the same as it was
when you left.
Melody: Oh, well, not quite, Starlet darling. Don’t forget about little Brashley
Junior.
Starlet: We’ll talk about your brat later. Right now I’ve got more important
things to discuss. Listen, Brashley, they want $300 on back taxes on Terra, and I don’t have the money, so could you help me pay up the note?
Brashley: Why, I’d love to...
Starlet: Oh!
Melody: Oh, you sweet, generous, darling, Brashley! You’ve always been so
good!
Starlet: Oh, Brashley!
Brashley: Yeah, uh, but you see, my money is gone.
Starlet: Gone? Gone where?
Brashley: It went with the wind.
Starlet: Wind? What wind?

Starlet: Well, that’s pretty, but it doesn’t answer my question.
Melody: Brashley, come upstairs. I wanna show you our son!
Starlet: No, but, wait! What am I gonna do about the back taxes?
Melody: Well, why don’t you ask that nice Captain Butler?
Starlet: That no-account, low-life Captain Butler!
Brashley: You mean Ratt Butler, the man who became a millionaire during the
war?
Starlet: Why, precious Ratt! Where is he?
Brashley: He said he was gonna be here this afternoon, but he stopped off at the
Camptown races. As you folks know, that track is 5 miles long. He was out there betting
on a bob-tailed nag. I put 2 bucks on the gray, myself, of course. (unintelligible) only pay 2-60 to show, so I.... doo-dah, doo-dah.
Melody: Brashley, darling. Don’t you wanna go upstairs and see little Brashley
Junior?
Brashley: Brashley Junior?
Melody: Yes!
Brashley: God! I was hopin’ you’d kind of name him after me!

Starlet: Sissy! Sissy, get in here! Oh! What am I gonna do? Captain Butler’s
comin’ over here, and he’s got money, and I’ve gotta get it, and look at me! I look like the inside of a goat’s stomach! What am I gonna wear?
Sissy: Well, Miss Starlet, the Yankees done stole all your clothes.
Starlet: I know that, stupid!
Sissy: Look, Miss Starlet! Isn’t that Captain Butler’s carriage now?
Starlet: Oh, Lord! What am I gonna do?
Sissy: Well, I got an idea. When he comes in, why don’t you hide behind the
drapes?
Starlet: Sissy, help me take these down!
Sissy: Well, what you doing that for?
Starlet: Never you mind. Now, listen, when he gets here, you just keep him busy.
Sissy: Yes, ’m.
Starlet: ‘Cause I’ve got me a dress to make!
Sissy: Yes, ’m.

Sissy: What’ll I say? What’ll I say? What’ll I say?
Sissy: I’ll think of something!
Sissy: Why, Captain Butler! What a pleasant surprise!
Ratt: Afternoon, Sissy. Is Miss Starlet at home?
Sissy: Come on in. She’ll be down in a minute.
Ratt: I really like what you’ve done with the place.
Sissy: So... How are ya, Captain Butler?
Ratt: How am I? You ask that of a man that’s just returned from battle? Who
returned from seeing brother pitted against brother? Who’s seeing the world that he loved crumble beneath his feet? And you ask, “How are you?” “How are you?”
Sissy: Oh, I’m pretty good, thanks. And you?
Ratt: I’m a man of many wishes, Sissy. I wish this filthy war had never happened. I wish for a time when life was simple and beautiful. I wish I was in the land of cotton. Old times there are not forgotten. Look away!
Sissy: Look away?
Ratt: Look away! Dixie Land.[4]

Sissy: You know, that’s real catchy. You oughta set that to music, Captain Butler.
Ratt: My wish won’t come true, Sissy. It, like my dreams, have went with the
wind.
Sissy: What wind?

Sissy: That’s real pretty, but that don’t answer my question.
Starlet: What, uh, what brings you to Terra?
Ratt: You! You, vixen, you. Starlet, I love you. That, that, that gown is
gorgeous.
Starlet: Thank ya. I saw it in the window and just couldn’t resist it.
Ratt: Starlet. I’m sorry, maybe it isn’t Starlet. Yes, it is Starlet. Starlet.
Starlet: Yes?
Ratt: Will you marry me?
Starlet: Marry you? Why, you’re the scum of the ocean and the chicken of the
sea. Of course, I’ll marry you.
Sissy: Where you gonna find a minister?
Soldier: Why, I’m a minister!
Starlet: Oh, good!
Ratt: Will you marry us?
Soldier: Sure! I now pronounce you man and wife. Now how ‘bout them back
taxes?
Starlet: Here you are, minister. 300 dollars. Uh, Sissy, show the minister the door.
Sissy: Shoot. For $300, I’ll show him anything he wants! Come on, sugar!

Ratt: Now, at last we’re alone, Starlet.
Starlet: Oh, no, you don’t. No, you don’t! There will be no kissing in this
marriage.
Ratt: Oh, yes, there will. Starlet. You need kissin’. You need a lotta kissin’, and
from someone who knows how.
Starlet: Oh! Put me down! Oh! Put me down! What are you doing? Oh! Oh! Oh! Put me down!
Starlet: Ratt! Ratt, I never realized what a virile, strong, hunk of man you are. I’m yours!
Ratt: Not now, Starlet. I’m pooped.
Starlet: Shoot. This just hasn’t been my day.
Starlet: Oh! Brashley!
Brashley: Oh, uh, hi, Starlet. What’s going on?
Starlet: I just became Mrs. Ratt Butler. Would you like to kiss the bride? My
darling!
Brashley: Well, I… Well, I… Well, I… Well, I… Well, I, Well, I….
Starlet: Oh, Brashley, you know I love you, you know I love you.
Ratt: Well, I always seem to be interrupting your tender moments!
Starlet: Ratt...
Ratt: Step out of the way, woman. This is between us men.
Brashley: Oh! Perhaps I oughta get out of the way, then.
Ratt: Why, you coward, you!
Starlet: Oh!

Ratt: Starlet!
Brashley: You’re all right! It’s gonna be okay! Boy, it’s a good thing you hit her. You coulda killed me!
Melody: Please, pardon the intrusion. I do hate to be a bother, but I do
believe I’m going to that great plantation in the sky.
Starlet: Oh!
Brashley: Wait a minute! Hold it! Wait a minute! You can’t go! You can’t go!
Wait a minute! Hold it! Just say that you got something that’s going around! Please!
Melody: Oh, is that you, my darling Brashley? Would you please ask Starlet to come here. I want to talk to her. Please.
Brashley: Starlet… Alright, I’ll get her.

Brashley: She wants to see you.
Starlet: You got it!
Starlet goes up the stairs.
Starlet: I’m comin’, Melly. I’m comin’. Yes, Melly, yes. What is it?
Melody: Oh, my darling Starlet.
Starlet: Yes.
Melody: Like my sister… you are like my sister.
Starlet: Yes.
Melody: I wanna tell you, I’ve been thinking about our friendship all these years,
my darling.
Starlet: Yes, Melly.
Melody: I want you to know how I really feel.
Starlet: Yes, Melly.

Starlet: Oh!
Melody: Now, I can die a happy woman. Bye, y’all!

Brashley: She’s gone! She’s gone! She’s gone! Look at her! She’s gone! She’s gone! Gone, gone, gone! She’s gone! Gone! She’s gone!
Starlet: Wha…, Brashley, you... you really do love Melly?
Ratt: You never let yourself believe that, could you, Starlet.
Starlet: Wha… no… I know he really did love her, but I never knew he really,
really, really, really, really, really did love her.
Brashley: I really, really, really, really, really did love her, and now she’s gone, gone, gone. She’s gone. I really, really did love her and now she’s gone, she’s gone. She’s gone. I really did love her. She’s gone. And I’m gone.
Starlet: Oh, Ratt, my darling...

Ratt: Starlet, a man loves like that only once in a lifetime. Once that love is dead,
it can never be rekindled.
Starlet: Ratt, what are you sayin’?
Ratt: Starlet...
Starlet: Ratt! Ratt!
Ratt: Starlet, I’m leaving you.
Starlet: Leaving me? But… but what’ll I do? What will become of me?
Ratt: Frankly, my dear, I don’t gi...

Sissy: What did he say?
Starlet: He said, frankly my dear, I don’t gi..
Sissy: Makes sense to me.
Starlet: Oh, Sissy! Sissy, what am I gonna do? What if I don’t have Ratt? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna...

Starlet: Oh!
Sissy: Frankly, Miss Starlet, I don’t give a damn.

THE END

[1] This is a reference to 'A Streetcar Named Desire' by Tennessee Williams.
[2] This is a very old expression and means something along the lines of "the night is still young" or "it's the best part of the night." It's a very old-fashioned saying.
[3]“Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree” was a big pop hit in the 70s. In the song, a prisoner asks his lover to tie a yellow ribbon around a tree in front of their home “if you still want me”. If there was no ribbon, he would be able to see that and not return home after his release.
[4] 'Dixie Land' is an old folk song about a freed slave that yearns to return to the Southern lands of his home.

OUTRO

That's why I'm glad we had this time together
'Cause it makes me feel like I belong
Seems we just get started
And before you know it comes a time we have to say, "so long"