English Script Request

”...just have your name please sir."
"Right, sir, hold on a second....ready?"
"Yes"
"My name is Derrick ..."
"What are you doing?"
"That's my name."
"What is?"
"This! Derrick..."
"What? Derrick...is your name?"
"Yes!"
"What kind of name is that?"
"Well it's my name"
"Bit unusual, isn't it, Mr. um, ..."
"If I had a pound for every time someone had said that to me..."
"Um, how do you spell...this bit"
"It's as it sounds"
"Yeah, but if you wouldn't mind spelling it for me."
"Can't you unders..."
"I would be very grateful if you would spell it for me."
"Alright, then. N I P P L - E"
"Nipple"
"I beg your pardon."
"Nipple."
"Nipple? Where? What are you talking about?"
"N I P P L E"
"Hyphen E!"
"Hyphen E, in my book spells nipple. It does not spell..."
"Have you gone mad? What are you talking about? I thought the modern policeman was supposed to be a highly trained law enforcement unit. You can't even spell!"
"Alright Mr. Nipple, if I could have your address please?"
"you're talking to me?"
"Yes!"
"You want to know my address."
"Yes, please"
"Or do you want to know Mr. Nipple's address?"
"Your address, please."
"My address. Right! My address is number 22...King's Lynn "
"Watch it!"
"what?"
"Just watch it."
"Watch what for heavens sake?"
"You do realise that assaulting a police officer is a very serious offence?"
"Yes, I imagine it probably is very serious, but giving your address to a police man on the other hand probably isn't so serous, or is it? Perhaps the law's changed since I last looked. Perhaps the home secretary has had to take stern measures against the rising tide of people giving their address to policemen whenever they're asked."
"Alright, alright. Let's just check this with you, shall we Mr. , ah, ..."
"Yes."
"Your address is 22...King's Lynn"
"No, no no no. What's the matter with you? Look! It's 22...King's Lynn"
"Oh I'm sorry. I thought it was 22...King's Lynn"
"Well it isn't!"
"I've got bad handwriting"
"Well get a typewriter!"
"Well, if only we could afford a typewriter, sir. Do you know, it's funny. From some angles it looks like 22 ... Kings Lynn"